SNAFU.....What does it really mean...

In my case its Situation Normal Ultimately Forever Unloved.....


I have a soul that's broken

It eeks from me

People feel it and run instead of help

I am drawn to those like me

Only because I simply understand

It is not money, it is not fame...it is an inner aspect of me broken, attracts those who have little to give, much to blame...

It will always be my fault; until I die

Then it will be my fault for leaving without saying good bye no doubt.

Growing up Abused.......

Growing up Abused.......

      The articles today about the #METOO movement is quite interesting for me to read and remains quite ugly in my minds eye. As a child who at 12 into 13 was sexually abused by a family member I wish I could now press charges, their wrinkles do not change their crime. Their closeness only made it more evil, their excuse even more pitiful and predatory, I was abused in jail, so I abused in return...not an adult however but my wife's little sister, somehow it was all okay that way. Hidden from the small town, then as I became predictably rebellious against those who forced a lie upon me I was chastised as a bad kid.
     By 18 I had my first child and a horribly marriage to a verbally abusive man, at 19 second child now scared and wanting out I run by age 20. These are the beginning of many sad and poor choices . The marriage because I thought I had to, again conformity and I are strange bedfellows....Torn between the belief that things need to be a certain way, relieved when they fall apart. Life can be an interesting tour guide however be careful who you follow along the way. This brings me back to this METOO movement. I actually respectfully disagree that the way this came about is in any way not choice driven. That said bad choices abound us, ramifications are real, life is a hard learning area. I can safely say as a child who when I hit the age of maturity would have wanted to press charges and couldn't due to statute of limitations, I say this movement has done little other then to create a huge public forum for woman who have chosen to go against their ID and may have chosen a path so completely paved over that the hollywood Mall used to have a oversized statute of "The Directors Couch" with worn out areas where many have laid before.
       What has the movement done for those of us not famous, and unable to find peace from what had occurred I ask.....Those of us who managed to hide within the confines of normalcy while a broken spirit is all that has always remained inside??

     I wish I had answers, as my now older children don't care for me I regret many choices I made for and in the belief of being in their best interest, my broken soul could not stay where it needed to be. They really will never know me as a Mom they want yet my soul cries when I see their positives because I see them last if ever. I hide much of my turmoil from the rest of my children so I always have a part of me tucked away hoping to never be discovered, lastly my littlest, how do I protect her from this world, never let her be well...be me?

Life, bucket lists, and desire

I hate that as I am going thru a bad time with recovering from reconstruction that family adversity is everywhere. What I hate even more is the expectation that forgiveness for such horrific acts is immediate and unwavering.....Why would I hold my family, my core of people who have seen me both prosper and struggle to a lower standard then a stranger? I feel completely the opposite; since these people also have access to my weaknesses I feel that they should be held to a higher standard not one lower.
I am very tired, my children are all but one grown and on to their own lives, I don't move closer not because I can't but why. It seems I'm a handy notion of a being and distance preserves memories so much better lately.
My childhood was stolen not once but twice when my mother passed and my sister took EVERY picture of my childhood. My mom holding and playing with me, my brother pushing me in a carriage, my father holding me as a young man, now an old man and not one picture to cherish. I hope she rots in hell. My husbands family just where does the lying stop and the deceit end? I really am at a loss for words at how disconnected I feel at all that has happened.

some people are really shitbags for sure.

Shoulder surgery Part 1

Surgery, Sadness, and Situations


As I now enter into a surgery when just 2 weeks ago I was told it was nothing a little physical therapy won't fix, now I find out that physical therapy actually exasperated the situation.

Why do I have to be my own advocate I ask, how do people not trained as I am cope, I am both furious as well as exhausted.

As I look at ways I am going to survive with one arm in hopes to regain use of the other arm, I am tired, very tired right now.

Everyday.....

Like all at my age I start to ponder aging, my mortality has been tested this year. I wonder will I have checked off enough from my bucket list?  Have I spent enough days "living" not just "showing up"?
I believe we have become a little to vested in getting by and may be passing by some roses. Life can be a funny juggle you get so adept at it you forget that there is an end point.  Don't forget the rules on living well not just passing days.

We need to focus more on the big picture. 

Long days.....adjusting ways

My mom's body has left this earth but her soul remains in my heart. That sounds so wonderful, when it actually consoles ones heart I wish I knew. I loved my Mom, the last decade was riddled with Alzheimer's a truly horrific disease. It takes the mind, then the body and all the while its toxic on its bystanders.....helplessly wondering when you have been lost in the disease process of the mind of the poor soul suffering, wondering if that last time you said "I Love You Mom" if she knew it was me, Did she know she was Mom, did she know me, who would she forget? Did she forget us? I could swear every time I saw her she seemed to know even if it was just a small bit that it was me. The helpless wonder when the last time she could or did miss me as badly as I missed her. Separated by a universe of the unknown.
At Mom's funeral she was a Teacher who outdid a man in push-ups, an inspiration to a student who made a great life for himself because she didn't just teach Math, she lived and breathed it, she infused it. She was the woman who rode with the top down...even in the rain, She was the beach goer extraordinaire, a best friend, a mother who not only cheered wins, she taught us how to lose gracefully. She did not just show us how to live life, she exemplified living well. Not one aspect of Barbara was definable or easy to explain she was a prism of life full of facets and turns that left us enamored with her zest and right now have us missing her terribly. 

Doin the hump

Isn't the everyday supposed to be boring?? Isn't that where hump day began?? I would take ONE boring week please!!!

Just One!!

I'm waiting.........