Everyday.....

Like all at my age I start to ponder aging, my mortality has been tested this year. I wonder will I have checked off enough from my bucket list?  Have I spent enough days "living" not just "showing up"?
I believe we have become a little to vested in getting by and may be passing by some roses. Life can be a funny juggle you get so adept at it you forget that there is an end point.  Don't forget the rules on living well not just passing days.

We need to focus more on the big picture. 

Long days.....adjusting ways

My mom's body has left this earth but her soul remains in my heart. That sounds so wonderful, when it actually consoles ones heart I wish I knew. I loved my Mom, the last decade was riddled with Alzheimer's a truly horrific disease. It takes the mind, then the body and all the while its toxic on its bystanders.....helplessly wondering when you have been lost in the disease process of the mind of the poor soul suffering, wondering if that last time you said "I Love You Mom" if she knew it was me, Did she know she was Mom, did she know me, who would she forget? Did she forget us? I could swear every time I saw her she seemed to know even if it was just a small bit that it was me. The helpless wonder when the last time she could or did miss me as badly as I missed her. Separated by a universe of the unknown.
At Mom's funeral she was a Teacher who outdid a man in push-ups, an inspiration to a student who made a great life for himself because she didn't just teach Math, she lived and breathed it, she infused it. She was the woman who rode with the top down...even in the rain, She was the beach goer extraordinaire, a best friend, a mother who not only cheered wins, she taught us how to lose gracefully. She did not just show us how to live life, she exemplified living well. Not one aspect of Barbara was definable or easy to explain she was a prism of life full of facets and turns that left us enamored with her zest and right now have us missing her terribly. 

Doin the hump

Isn't the everyday supposed to be boring?? Isn't that where hump day began?? I would take ONE boring week please!!!

Just One!!

I'm waiting.........

new day, old way

well I need to make some relaxing bath scrub....peony oil rose oil and epsom salts

maybe that will be the new escape.....Good God I need one. Im exhausted all the time disease will kill me in the physical but not in the mental....emotional is another thing no telling on that front.

too tired to even write my thoughts but in short

Family
understanding
empathy or lack there of
fear
all in the end leads to exhaustion for sure

Death, Dismay, and a generalized disappointment

Today I am just exhausted.....

on March 10 2014 I lost my mother....she died a long fight against Alzheimer's and although I know she isnt in pain and can think like she used to and speak like when she was young, as well as simply move about up in heaven like she did when she was young, unencumbered by the weight of pain, sickness and aging I still miss her so much it simply hurts. People tell me this subsides but how do you take away the pain of losing your biggest cheerleader, your inspiration, your idol, and honestly the only person who stood by me unconditionally in any storm that arose? How?

Since her passing our family has fragmented....Siblings have shown their true sides...money, greed, entitlement...all accounted for without a doubt. I swear to God the only thing I haven't heard (yet) is "she loved me the most" But I am waiting. I am almost sure its coming.

Then there is me....the generalized despair, coupled with the fact that my body has chosen to be weak during this so every damn medical issue I have ever had is rising up.....I feel like shit, not a depressed shit a physical shit....does it really make a difference where it starts this is where it ends.

In the massive changes that have happened the house has started resembling a vortex with no hope of fixing it....junk getting stuffed in places it doesn't belong, papers not getting filed away properly, just complete chaos. I think to say my wits end burnt up in a ball of flames a long while ago doesn't quite cover it!!

I want to get so much done I had hoped I would feel better by now but in looking around I realize I don't and I won't is the bottom line for sure.

Oh well...they say life goes on and I am striving towards it. I really miss my Mom. 

RIP Baby E



So  2 years ago we lost one, I have a particular disdain for Valentines Day now as it only represents that loss....I have great love for my family but that pain is particular and very fresh in my heart still....the saying time heals...well I suppose more is needed when it was your child.

Momma Goals

Start swimming once a week
Start Gymnastics
Look at Pre-K

Season of the Witch

So work has continued on quite the venture, Docs behaving badly (more trifling behavior) I see now that even if the super could change things she is enmeshed way beyond that....sooo I am looking at this as a venture in maintaining a positive attitude and keeping "MY" slate clean. I am shocked and to some extent insulted at how nonchalant some people are about the care they give....or in this case that they chart given then meander on.....such a sad state. If you were to step up you would be slaughtered in your stance.....Make no mistake these people have worked quite hard at the "illusion of hard work" Looking busy, sounding important....just ugly.

Tomorrow I go back.....after these last few days off I am still tired and weary.....I think its just part and parcel anymore....soon lives pastures will green up a tad hopefully it won't be from BS on the ground!

On a family note...Scooby is NUTZ!! Sinead is just so adorable in her every being that I am just so happy when I see that smiling face!  I miss her so much while away and find I have a harder time now...Stay at Home Mom is the hardest and most rewarding job ever....and I do miss it. I hope it can be restarted sometime soon. I see so much that I would tackle.

Well it was my turn to make life changes happen for sure.

New Latitude, Bad Attitude....

Well we have moved yet again...this one is definitely NOT a place we will permanently reside ;(

I had hoped in the beginning it would be a lets make this fun and flip this place...then the nightmares began...as we are now on contractor #3, hopefully a better situation.... we have the hole from hell in there....gutted a bathroom to the studs, circa 1970 insulation...old and definitely useless! Wiring shot beyond imagination, house open from the roof to the basement!!! Good Lord just dont let this place catch fire with us in it!
Rupert has terrible allergies here so he surely hates it.....Sean PTSD....UGGG....Me, Just waiting to get farther North...my compass is surely off here.

I started a new job, surely it could have NOT been more of a shock.....hateful attitude by most all and funny part is the supervisor seems good with it...eee gads....all I can say. I am taking all education with outside entities for the apathy here is easily jading. I would hate to imagine how long before I become hard down here. I am much better suited for a different area so I do not get sucked in......ever!!

Well the positives...we have a new baby.....Scooby Doo the weim mix...Sinead loves him...its "Her Scooby"

So on that front life is good...Sinead is a breath of fresh air....she has gone from carpet crawler to gymnast extraordinaire! A pure picture of life in motion not wanting to miss a second yet every once in a while so sweet and will slow down for a simple hug. absolutely the most amazing child God surely didn't miss a smile upon our hearts with this one...she never ceases to amaze me in how sweet she is...just in how many ways she can show it.