Today I am just exhausted.....
on March 10 2014 I lost my mother....she died a long fight against Alzheimer's and although I know she isnt in pain and can think like she used to and speak like when she was young, as well as simply move about up in heaven like she did when she was young, unencumbered by the weight of pain, sickness and aging I still miss her so much it simply hurts. People tell me this subsides but how do you take away the pain of losing your biggest cheerleader, your inspiration, your idol, and honestly the only person who stood by me unconditionally in any storm that arose? How?
Since her passing our family has fragmented....Siblings have shown their true sides...money, greed, entitlement...all accounted for without a doubt. I swear to God the only thing I haven't heard (yet) is "she loved me the most" But I am waiting. I am almost sure its coming.
Then there is me....the generalized despair, coupled with the fact that my body has chosen to be weak during this so every damn medical issue I have ever had is rising up.....I feel like shit, not a depressed shit a physical shit....does it really make a difference where it starts this is where it ends.
In the massive changes that have happened the house has started resembling a vortex with no hope of fixing it....junk getting stuffed in places it doesn't belong, papers not getting filed away properly, just complete chaos. I think to say my wits end burnt up in a ball of flames a long while ago doesn't quite cover it!!
I want to get so much done I had hoped I would feel better by now but in looking around I realize I don't and I won't is the bottom line for sure.
Oh well...they say life goes on and I am striving towards it. I really miss my Mom.
on March 10 2014 I lost my mother....she died a long fight against Alzheimer's and although I know she isnt in pain and can think like she used to and speak like when she was young, as well as simply move about up in heaven like she did when she was young, unencumbered by the weight of pain, sickness and aging I still miss her so much it simply hurts. People tell me this subsides but how do you take away the pain of losing your biggest cheerleader, your inspiration, your idol, and honestly the only person who stood by me unconditionally in any storm that arose? How?
Since her passing our family has fragmented....Siblings have shown their true sides...money, greed, entitlement...all accounted for without a doubt. I swear to God the only thing I haven't heard (yet) is "she loved me the most" But I am waiting. I am almost sure its coming.
Then there is me....the generalized despair, coupled with the fact that my body has chosen to be weak during this so every damn medical issue I have ever had is rising up.....I feel like shit, not a depressed shit a physical shit....does it really make a difference where it starts this is where it ends.
In the massive changes that have happened the house has started resembling a vortex with no hope of fixing it....junk getting stuffed in places it doesn't belong, papers not getting filed away properly, just complete chaos. I think to say my wits end burnt up in a ball of flames a long while ago doesn't quite cover it!!
I want to get so much done I had hoped I would feel better by now but in looking around I realize I don't and I won't is the bottom line for sure.
Oh well...they say life goes on and I am striving towards it. I really miss my Mom.
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