Life, bucket lists, and desire

I hate that as I am going thru a bad time with recovering from reconstruction that family adversity is everywhere. What I hate even more is the expectation that forgiveness for such horrific acts is immediate and unwavering.....Why would I hold my family, my core of people who have seen me both prosper and struggle to a lower standard then a stranger? I feel completely the opposite; since these people also have access to my weaknesses I feel that they should be held to a higher standard not one lower.
I am very tired, my children are all but one grown and on to their own lives, I don't move closer not because I can't but why. It seems I'm a handy notion of a being and distance preserves memories so much better lately.
My childhood was stolen not once but twice when my mother passed and my sister took EVERY picture of my childhood. My mom holding and playing with me, my brother pushing me in a carriage, my father holding me as a young man, now an old man and not one picture to cherish. I hope she rots in hell. My husbands family just where does the lying stop and the deceit end? I really am at a loss for words at how disconnected I feel at all that has happened.

some people are really shitbags for sure.

Shoulder surgery Part 1

Surgery, Sadness, and Situations


As I now enter into a surgery when just 2 weeks ago I was told it was nothing a little physical therapy won't fix, now I find out that physical therapy actually exasperated the situation.

Why do I have to be my own advocate I ask, how do people not trained as I am cope, I am both furious as well as exhausted.

As I look at ways I am going to survive with one arm in hopes to regain use of the other arm, I am tired, very tired right now.

Everyday.....

Like all at my age I start to ponder aging, my mortality has been tested this year. I wonder will I have checked off enough from my bucket list?  Have I spent enough days "living" not just "showing up"?
I believe we have become a little to vested in getting by and may be passing by some roses. Life can be a funny juggle you get so adept at it you forget that there is an end point.  Don't forget the rules on living well not just passing days.

We need to focus more on the big picture. 

Long days.....adjusting ways

My mom's body has left this earth but her soul remains in my heart. That sounds so wonderful, when it actually consoles ones heart I wish I knew. I loved my Mom, the last decade was riddled with Alzheimer's a truly horrific disease. It takes the mind, then the body and all the while its toxic on its bystanders.....helplessly wondering when you have been lost in the disease process of the mind of the poor soul suffering, wondering if that last time you said "I Love You Mom" if she knew it was me, Did she know she was Mom, did she know me, who would she forget? Did she forget us? I could swear every time I saw her she seemed to know even if it was just a small bit that it was me. The helpless wonder when the last time she could or did miss me as badly as I missed her. Separated by a universe of the unknown.
At Mom's funeral she was a Teacher who outdid a man in push-ups, an inspiration to a student who made a great life for himself because she didn't just teach Math, she lived and breathed it, she infused it. She was the woman who rode with the top down...even in the rain, She was the beach goer extraordinaire, a best friend, a mother who not only cheered wins, she taught us how to lose gracefully. She did not just show us how to live life, she exemplified living well. Not one aspect of Barbara was definable or easy to explain she was a prism of life full of facets and turns that left us enamored with her zest and right now have us missing her terribly. 

Doin the hump

Isn't the everyday supposed to be boring?? Isn't that where hump day began?? I would take ONE boring week please!!!

Just One!!

I'm waiting.........

new day, old way

well I need to make some relaxing bath scrub....peony oil rose oil and epsom salts

maybe that will be the new escape.....Good God I need one. Im exhausted all the time disease will kill me in the physical but not in the mental....emotional is another thing no telling on that front.

too tired to even write my thoughts but in short

Family
understanding
empathy or lack there of
fear
all in the end leads to exhaustion for sure

Death, Dismay, and a generalized disappointment

Today I am just exhausted.....

on March 10 2014 I lost my mother....she died a long fight against Alzheimer's and although I know she isnt in pain and can think like she used to and speak like when she was young, as well as simply move about up in heaven like she did when she was young, unencumbered by the weight of pain, sickness and aging I still miss her so much it simply hurts. People tell me this subsides but how do you take away the pain of losing your biggest cheerleader, your inspiration, your idol, and honestly the only person who stood by me unconditionally in any storm that arose? How?

Since her passing our family has fragmented....Siblings have shown their true sides...money, greed, entitlement...all accounted for without a doubt. I swear to God the only thing I haven't heard (yet) is "she loved me the most" But I am waiting. I am almost sure its coming.

Then there is me....the generalized despair, coupled with the fact that my body has chosen to be weak during this so every damn medical issue I have ever had is rising up.....I feel like shit, not a depressed shit a physical shit....does it really make a difference where it starts this is where it ends.

In the massive changes that have happened the house has started resembling a vortex with no hope of fixing it....junk getting stuffed in places it doesn't belong, papers not getting filed away properly, just complete chaos. I think to say my wits end burnt up in a ball of flames a long while ago doesn't quite cover it!!

I want to get so much done I had hoped I would feel better by now but in looking around I realize I don't and I won't is the bottom line for sure.

Oh well...they say life goes on and I am striving towards it. I really miss my Mom.